I woke up this morning with a knife through my head. At least that’s what it felt like. My hands feel weaker than usual and I feel like I’m looking at the world with a fish bowl on my head. My depth perceptions a bit off and it’s making me a little dizzy. Sounds horrible but today’s one of my better days. The pain isn’t as bad, so far. I’m a little more anxious today. I’m overwhelmed with the unknown and the uncontrollable. I’ve been trying to keep an opened mind about things but even as I sit here I realize that my words are escaping me. I’ve learned to accept that there’s a lot I’m not able to do anymore. My shakiness makes it hard to draw or paint. My light and sound sensitivity limit the amount of time I can be outside. I have black out curtains to help keep things dark in my house. Helps me feel better but I’m constantly in the dark. Get’s a little depressing from time to time.
There are all these little things that affect me daily and usually I don’t mind them. I stay positive and focus on the other things I can still do and enjoy. I try not to feel sorry for myself because I don’t have 100% functionality but the one thing I’ve always strived for and worked hardest at is my ability to communicate. I consider myself to be an artist but even more so a writer. I guess my poor comprehensive skills pushed me to strengthen that part of my brain. I take pride in the fact that my learning disability is barely noticeable. Usually I have to bring it up for someone to notice. That’s a great feeling knowing what I’ve had and still have to go through just to understand what someone’s saying to me or something that’s written down. Usually everything in my head is all jumbled so I have to take a minute (maybe several minutes) to make sense of it. None the less, my ability to be well-spoken or well-written was earned and I’m proud of it. If you’re close to me then you’ve endured hour long and long-winded conversations.
Lately, I’ve noticed that my thoughts are cut short. I forget things almost instantly. Even if I was just about to say something. I lose track of my thoughts. There’s a lot more confusion than usual. I can’t find the right words. I’ve accepted a lot of things but losing my ability to express myself is scary.
I’m accustomed to having to read something a few times before I fully understand it. I’m accustomed to politely asking someone to repeat themselves because I didn’t quite catch what they said. I’m accustomed to the delay. What I’m not accustomed to is feeling blank. I’m not used to being lost in my own head. I hated the days when my head would hurt so bad that I’d slur my words or switch letters around but I’d take those days over the emptiness. More often than not, I find myself saying aloud “What was I saying?”, “What was I thinking”, “What was I doing?”, and the often “Wait, what did you say?”. I used to think it was funny when my niece or nephew would point it out and say I was “forgetful”. Took me a while to realize that it’s actually a problem and it’s caused by my headaches.
These headaches aren’t just “aches” anymore. 20 years of unrelenting pain and it feels like my body’s screaming for help and I haven’t been able to fix it. I feel as though my brain is tired of me ignoring the pain and wants me to acknowledge it by having other issues metastasize. I’m scared and I’m anxious. I don’t know how I’ll get through life when my most basic functions are faulty.
I’ve moved past not being able to find a job. Now I’m just focused on finding ways to make money because let’s face it money is necessary. I took another jab at searching thru ads and I’ve overwhelmed myself with my inadequacies. Sure, there’s still so much more I’m capable of doing but job searching is overwhelming regardless. So, what’s out there for me? Unless there’s a company or employer that’s willing to see past my condition and see my true integrity, my dedication to work hard to compensate for the fact that I can’t assure that I’ll be able show up everyday; That when I do show up I’ll work harder than I’ve ever worked before. Unless there was someone out there that would give me the opportunity to prove my worth and not make me feel indebted for their accommodations then my only real option is to be my own boss. Easier said than done but still a more promising possibility than hoping for that little break. Venturing off on my own is a more appealing risk to take than just surviving than just job hopping. I’ve come to believe that I don’t really have a place in this world and I never will unless I not only find my niche but create the opportunity for it. Like I said, I’m shooting for better days and I’ve got a lot of work to do. I’m more than positive that at the end it’ll pay off. At the end, I’ll know where I belong.